


New Rules

by Livvy1800



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky is not a good boyfriend, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Clint Barton & Darcy Lewis Friendship, Confusion, Consent is Sexy, Darcy Feels, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feelings Realization, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Jane Foster & Darcy Lewis Friendship, Oral Sex, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sex, Sexy Times, but not for good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 05:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12741720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livvy1800/pseuds/Livvy1800
Summary: Inspired by Dua Lipa's song New Rules:Bucky Barnes is a terrible boyfriend. He's great at hanging out and watching movies, cooking dinner, and making Darcy see stars when they're in bed together. But she is definitely now well acquainted with the phrase "emotionally unavailable". Every time things start to get intense between them, he ghosts, leaving her baffled and hurt. She can't even tell if he wants a relationship or only keeps coming back because he knows she's a sure thing. So Darcy's determined to make some new rules to protect the heart he's stomped all over.#1: don't pick up his calls or return his texts#2: avoid him like the plague#3: don't let him seduce her back into his bedOnly three rules. How hard can it be to stick to them?





	1. Chapter 1

Darcy’s phone buzzed, vibrating against the couch cushion, but she ignored it. Fingers tightening on the game remote, she pressed her lips into a thin line, focusing her attention on the fast moving action on the screen in front of her. Her stomach dropped, though, when the phone went silent. But silence was good. Ignoring the call, and everything that went with it, was a terrible coping tactic, but it was just about all she had right now.

The phone buzzed again, making her jump.

“Do you need to get that?” Clint slanted a look over at her, his thumbs still moving lightening quick as he attempted to push her Mario off the Rainbow Bridge. She shook her head once, then pulled out in front and sent a flurry of shells his way. Clint cursed, jerking his eyes back to the screen as he hit one and spun off the bridge.

The phone stopped buzzing. Her entire body tense, she waited for it to start up again, but when it didn’t after a few minutes, she allowed herself to relax. It was stupid to feel disappointed. Counter productive. It was time to move on. He didn’t love her, he never had, he wasn’t going to get there. She’d been there since their third date, the one where she let him into her apartment, and her bed.

But after six confusing months of him blowing hot and cold, crowding her into a storage closet to fuck her in the middle of work hours, then barely talking to her for the next two days, Darcy was done. It was too exhausting to try to hold a relationship together all by herself, especially when she wasn’t even sure he wanted more than sex and the occasional movie night. They had never gone anywhere, after those three dates, spending their time at her apartment or his, watching movies, having dinner… having mind-blowing sex. She’d had more orgasms in the first month of being with him than in the last two years collected. But, and she couldn’t believe she was even thinking this, it wasn’t worth it. He was breaking her heart and he didn’t even notice. So she was handling it the mature way: ducking his calls and making herself scarce when he was in the Tower so she wouldn’t have to deal with it. Fortunately, he was with the team on a mission in Belize, the only reason she’d ventured out of her apartment to play MarioKart with Clint.

A body vaulted over the back of the couch, dropping down next to Darcy. She stiffened as his hard muscled heat pressed against her side, one large hand coming up to play with the curls falling down the back of her neck from her messy bun.

“Found you,” Bucky murmured in her ear, his fingers sending a hard shiver through her, bones turning to liquid at his touch, heat spreading over her skin. Damn it. He always affected her like this. Which was why she’d been avoiding him. She didn’t know if she had to willpower to send him away when he was giving her that intense look, like he could already see her naked in his bed. A lock of dark hair slipped out of the ponytail he usually wore when he was working and fell into his eyes. Her fingers itched to brush it off his face, but she just clenched her controller with damp hands instead. 

"Hi. How was Belize?” Darcy asked, keeping her tone light, shifting away just far enough that his fingers fell away from her skin. She missed the feel of calloused heat immediately.

“Belize was fine. Still hot as fuck.” His pale blue eyes narrowed a fraction, studying her, but Darcy just licked her lips and turned back to stare at the screen blindly. Her kart skidded on an oil slick Clint had dropped and crashed into a wall. Crap. He leaned forward a little, nodding at Clint, who gave him a two fingered salute. “How’s it going, Barton?”

“Better now that you’re distracting Darcy,” Clint crowed, as he pulled into the lead. She elbowed him hard, causing him to lose his breath for a second, and almost run off the road. “Jesus, woman, take it easy. I’m still healing up two ribs from that fight last week in Boston.”

Bucky leaned back again, propping one boot on the other knee, his thigh pressing against hers, as he casually stretched his arm across the back of the sofa. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that…”

Darcy tuned them out as they began to talk shop, trying to concentrate on her game and _not_ on Bucky’s body snugged up against hers. She was weak. It was a foregone conclusion, as soon as he sat down next to her, that she was taking him back to her apartment. _If you're under him, you ain't getting over him_ , she recited the song lyrics to herself silently, but they didn’t do a damn thing to help when the tips of his fingers found their way into her hair again. With a sigh, she gave into the touch, her scalp tingling as he drifted down to lightly massage the back of her neck. She was so wrapped up in Bucky’s nearness, and hand on her skin, it took Darcy by surprise when Clint stood up and tossed his remote into the couch. “Alright kids, I’m off to bed. Going to try and get more than three hours tonight.”

Panic flared. She wasn't ready to be alone with Bucky, her defenses weren't up yet. 

“Oh, don’t you want to play another game? I'll let you win this time.” Darcy gave it one last ditch effort, pulling away from Bucky. Sending Clint a winning smile, she held up the remote, shaking it in his direction enticingly. “Maybe it’ll help you sleep.”

His laugh was short and grating. “Yeah, I don’t think so. A hundred games of MarioKart aren’t going to solve my sleeping problem.” His expression softened then, and he leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek. “But thanks for trying.”

Darcy watched him head for the elevators, biting her lip. Despite her preoccupation with her own problems at the moment, she really did feel bad for Clint. Post-Loki, he struggled. Some days were better than others, but she knew his nights were never peaceful. But then, hardly anyone in residence slept well. They were all fucked up, in their own ways. When Clint was gone and the silence to her right was too thick to ignore, Darcy turned reluctantly to Bucky. Speaking of fucked up superheroes. He had leaned back on the sofa again while she'd been watching Clint go, his thin cotton tee shirt and fitted tac pants making him look like a snack, a meal, _and_ dessert. God, he was pretty, even when he was looking like he could see right through her with those icy blue eyes. 

“So,” she said brightly, picking at the ragged hem of her old Culver sweatshirt. “You got back fast this time. I thought you guys were going to be gone for another week.”

He cocked his head, gaze slowly running down her body. She would _not_ feel self-conscious about her ratty sweatshirt and Hello Kitty leggings. “Situation changed. You look good.”

“Uhh. Thanks?” It occurred to her that he’d never seen her like this before. During the course of their relationship she’d made an effort to always be put together, even on the nights they just watched movies on the couch. So much time went into hair, makeup, finding sexy lingerie, wearing outfits that always flattered her curves. It was exhausting to feel so off balance she couldn’t just be herself. Why had she done that? When had she become that girl who changed everything for a guy? He hadn't even asked for it, she'd taken it upon herself to give him what she thought he wanted. She had tried to be whatever she thought he'd find attractive, in hopes of keeping him. But she couldn't keep what she'd never really had to begin with. It made her sad, thinking about all that effort she could have been putting into herself instead of a DOA relationship. 

Bucky reached out, ignorant of her train of thought, and hooked one finger under the hem of her sweatshirt, pulling her forward in a slow motion tumble against his chest. She could have stopped him. He would have let her, he would never force her to do anything she didn't want to, he had never had to. But she didn’t stop him. Because she was a glutton for punishment. Just this one last time, she promised herself. One last time to remember what it felt like when he slid down to hook her legs over his shoulders, making a mess of her with his ravenous mouth. One last time to remember what it felt like when he thrust into her, making her arch beneath him, crying out his name. One last time to remember what he looked like afterwards, all sleepy and satisfied, his metal arm dead weight across her middle, pinning her to the bed for the night.

Then she would stop picking up his calls, returning his texts, stop letting him get her all wound up and stop taking him home. She would put an end to the sex, and then he’d probably drift away on his own, anyway. It’s not like he was here for any other reason. They didn't really even know each other, after all this time. He hadn't wanted to talk about himself, and she hadn't wanted to be the only one laying out her past and present. He worked on the team in some capacity, liked spaghetti and blow jobs, she was Jane's lab assistant, a coffee addict, and enjoyed being banged up against the wall. That was pretty much the depth of their knowledge of each other. It shouldn't be too hard to walk away from that, right? The only contact from here on out would professional, if their work paths intersected, like the two mature adults they were. They’d, whatever _they_ were, be over and done. Her heart could stop breaking every time he ghosted for days at a time whenever things got too intimate.

Stretching up to pull Bucky down into a hot, open-mouthed kiss, Darcy promised herself it would just be this one last time. She had new rules now and, after tonight, she was going to follow them. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy works on getting over Bucky. She's somewhat successful.

“So how did he take it?” Jane settled down next to Darcy, handing her a fresh glass of wine, and took a sip of her own as she regarded her friend with sympathetic eyes. She’d called an emergency meeting in her apartment when Darcy had showed up that morning, expression stricken, shoulders slumped. Natasha, Pepper, Maria, and Wanda appeared after dinner with various offerings of alcohol and snacks.

“A little too well,” Darcy said darkly, glaring into her wine. “He could have at least pretended to be upset. Instead he just sat there, no expression, nodded once I was done explaining I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, then politely excused himself and left.”

Natasha sighed from where she was curled up against the arm of Jane’s other couch, annoyance written across her face. “He’s a fool.”

“I second that,” called Pepper from the kitchen where she was putting together a cheese plate. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to him since he came to the Tower. I’m sorry he doesn’t recognize it.”

Darcy jerked her shoulder in a half shrug. “I didn’t expect anything else, really. I’d kind of secretly hoped he’d stop me, that he’d say something. Show me _some_ sort of emotion. Even anger would have been better than indifference.”

She’d been set on her course, but that didn’t stop the crack in her heart from widening when Bucky had accepted the break-up without protest. It confirmed what she’d already suspected, that the last six months had meant much more to her than him. Shit. She had left a pair of pajamas and some make-up at his place. Well, she’d just cut her losses. There was no way she was going over to get them.

“I’m not saying that the way he treated you wasn’t wrong, but have you considered that he was struggling to open up? Steve says he still won’t speak on much of the time he spend as the Soldier, even to him.” Wanda ventured, from her seat next to Nastasha on the couch. “Hydra treated any show of personality from him, any sliver of emotion, with harsh punishment. Again, _not_ justifying his behavior, just offering a different perspective.”

There was a moment of silence as Darcy opened, then closed, her mouth. Finally she spoke, “I feel horrible about how he was treated in the hands of those fucking monsters, you know I do. I can’t understand what that was like, especially since he refuses to talk to me about it at all. But I’m not them. And I can’t be happy with someone who won’t give me any hope there’s a future for us.”

Wanda nodded in understanding and leaned against Natasha, who slid her arm around their friend in a comforting gesture. Darcy slumped back against the cushions, took a large gulp of her wine, and closed her eyes. After a moment, the others started talking around her in low voices. She let the sound wash over her, tired beyond belief. When Jane pulled her down into her lap, Darcy let herself be rearranged, sleepy despite the lump in her throat. Tears pricked behind her eyelids as her friend started running her fingers through her hair, gentle as she separated the tangled curls, teasing out the snarls. Showering was probably something she should do soon, but the couch was so comfortable and she didn’t want to leave the warmth of her friends surrounding her. She was so glad to call these strong, smart women her friends.

It had been interesting in the beginning, with them all moving, one by one, into the Tower. Natasha was wary of them all, Jane bristled at Maria’s tendency to take charge of every situation, and Darcy felt awkward and inferior next to Pepper, the Stark Industries CEO. But after a few months, they learned to like each other, and things had fallen into place. Now Darcy couldn’t imagine not having this support system, and knew the others felt the same. They’d all gathered after Pepper was injected with Extremis and having a meltdown over it, after Maria’s dad died, and whenever Natasha came back from a bad mission. It was what they did, and she was so damn grateful for it.

The next day Darcy woke up feeling marginally better, having slept in until nearly noon. Time with her friends the evening before had helped, although she was still feeling pretty raw. But she got up, showered, and made herself breakfast. It was Saturday thankfully, which meant she didn’t need to leave her apartment. Taking her plate of toasted waffles to the couch, she burrowed into binge-watch the eight episodes of Wynonna Earp she’d missed. It was almost six in the evening before she emerged from her cocoon of blankets and ordered way too much Thai food for one person. She was going to stuff herself silly, waste some time messing around on Pinterest, then finish the last couple episodes. A productive day. Whatever. She deserved it, after yesterday.

When the knock at her door came, she called out, “Coming!” and twisted her hair into a bun on the top of her head, not worried about the ratty pajamas she’d changed back into after her shower. They didn’t let delivery people come up anyway, because of the security hazard. One of the security guards would bring her food up instead and they’d all seen her like this before.

The last thing she was expecting when she opened the door was Bucky Barnes looking dangerously sexy in low slung sweats and a white tank-top that did nothing to hide the chiseled definition of his chest and abs, damp hair hanging in his eyes as he gripped the gym towel hung around his neck.

“Oh.” She didn’t know what to say.

“Hey. Um… Listen,” he said, then stalled out as a security guard stepped off the elevator at the end of the hall, large paper bag in hand. In silence, they watched him walk down the corridor, the air between them heavy. Darcy’s mind raced as she glanced over at Bucky, taking in the way his jaw was clenched tight, the muscles in his shoulders tense. Why the hell was he here? This wasn’t supposed to happen. When the guard finally reached her door, Darcy dredged up a smile as she took the bag and thanked him. The guard left, but not before giving them both a speculative glance. Biting back a sigh, she turned to Bucky as the elevator doors shut on the other man, knowing they were going to be the source of gossip for the next couple days.

“So. Did you need something?” It was a little embarrassing how much food she’d ordered. Darcy shifted it awkwardly, trying to balance on her hip. With just the barest hint of a quirk lifting the corner of his mouth, Bucky reached out and tugged on the bag. Unwilling to get in a wrestling match over pad thai, she let him take it. He effortlessly held the packed bag with one hand. Annoying.

“Yeah, but… can I come in? I don’t want to do this in the hallway.” He looked faintly unsettled, running his free hand through his hair.

Darcy stared at him for a moment. She quashed the hope that wanted to push through and gestured to the apartment behind her. He probably wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to cause issues within the team. Darcy wasn’t _in_ the Avengers, but Thor was, and he could be very protective. He thought of himself as an older brother, and made it his duty to look out for her, even though he knew she could take care of herself. As she’d demonstrated to him personally with her taser.

Bucky carried the bag into the kitchen for her, putting it on the counter. Darcy pulled out a plate, then after a moment of hesitation, a second one. She’d ordered too much food anyway. She wasn’t letting her dinner get cold because he had some bug up his ass. She thrust the plate at him, ignoring his look of surprise. Scooping panang curry, rice, and pad thai onto her plate, she dropped into a chair at the small table. He followed suit, sitting down across from her with a cautious expression. They ate in silence for a couple minutes, then he cleared his throat, pushing his plate away slightly.

“I didn’t mean to just leave you like that yesterday, but I needed to think about a few things. Alone,” he said, as he toyed with his chopsticks.

Yeah, alone was his fucking M.O. God forbid he share what he was feeling with her without filtering and sanitizing it first. Darcy shoved her chair back from the table, the loud scraping noise startling Bucky into looking up at her.

“Want a beer? I need a beer.” Her voice was loud, irritated, but she had no desire to modulate it. Why did he have to come into _her_ space and have this conversation? It was going to be hard enough already to purge memories of him here already.

“Uhh. Okay.” He accepted the bottle she thrust at him with a nonplussed expression, watching as she downed half her beer in one go. Well, if he thought she was just going to sit through this without a buzz, he was sadly mistaken. Setting aside the unopened bottle, he leaned forward and fixed her with an earnest gaze, blue eyes serious.

“I want to be friends.”

Darcy nearly spit out the sip she’d just taken. “Excuse me?”

He sucked his lower lip in, biting it, before letting it slowly slide back out from between his perfect, white teeth. A move that had never failed to make her insides do an anticipatory flip. Now the Pavlovian reaction of lust just pissed her off. He wanted to be friends? God, her dumping him really hadn’t phased him at all. The bastard.

“We were friends first. Before,” he explained hastily, standing to face her, hands spread out in a conciliatory gesture. “I don’t want to lose your friendship. Just because things… didn’t work between us doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.”

Darcy’s eyebrows lifted practically into her hairline. “Are you kidding me? I’ll be polite, I won’t put our mutual friends in an uncomfortable place, and I’ll be professional as fuck at work. But that’s it. We’re not friends anymore.”

“Darce--”

She cut him off with a slash of her hand. “No. Maybe that sounds unreasonable, but I can’t be friends with you. That’s not going to work for _me_. Things can’t just go back to the way they were before.”

Bucky looked agitated at her words, gripping the back of his chair with both hands until it creaked under the pressure. It was the first time he’d ever let her see a crack in his composure, and it wasn't nearly as satisfying as she'd have thought.

“It doesn’t have to be like this. We can work things out.”

“There’s nothing left to work out. I think you need to leave now,” she said flatly, turning away to busy herself with transferring the leftover food into plastic containers.

He stood still for a moment, maybe waiting for her to turn back around. But when she didn’t, his heavy footsteps began moving towards the door to the hallway. She waited until it closed with click before sagging against the counter, letting out a shaky breath. Okay. She’d done it. It had been hard as hell, not letting herself being talked into something that would eventually break her. There was no way she could just be his friend and not always want more, knowing what it felt like to be in his arms. Now it was _really_ over and she was free to move on.

Easier said than done.

It helped that a few days later Bucky left on an extended mission to Italy. Darcy buried herself in work, expanding her manager duties to encompass Tony and Bruce’s labs as well. It was a lot, but it took her mind off the situation, and slowly the abject misery she felt every waking moment eased. After a few months she only felt the occasionally pang whenever she happened to walk in on the tail end of a video call from Bucky to debrief or when she’d come across a random tee shirt he’d left behind in her apartment.

She used the tee shirt to clean her baseboards.

He’d respected her enough to not call or text, at least, which would have only prolonged her getting over the break-up. So she didn’t think to screen it when an private number rang on her cell, answering it absently as she gathered together a stack of Jane’s messy notes to transcribe.

“Hello?”

“Darce?”

Darcy jerked upright at Bucky’s voice, low and gravelly in her ear. The stack of papers slipped out of her hands, falling in a scattered mess all over the lab table. Her throat went dry as she stood stock still, listening to him breathing.

“You there, babe? I really need to talk to you right now,” he said, his words slurring together a bit. Not much, but enough for her to know he’d been drinking. Darcy bit her lip, saying nothing. What was there to say?

A long sigh came over the line, loud enough to be heard over the rumble of noise behind him. Very possibly a bar, the strains of rock music reaching her, overlaid with the murmur of a crowd. Where the hell was Steve while his best friend got plastered in a bar somewhere in Europe?

“Listen… Darce…. I made a mistake. I don’t wanna be friends.” His words were like a punch in the gut. Darcy sat abruptly. “I want you… Shouldn’t have... I want you in my bed, don’t wanna let you leave this time, don’t wanna wake up alone anymore…”

“Fuck you, Barnes,” Darcy choked out, and hung up on him.

The phone immediately rang back, but she stood up, walked over to the door to the incinerator chute, and threw it in. The ringing faded as the phone fell sixty stories to the furnace in the basement. How dare he call her after six months and tell her he missed having sex with her? What, he couldn’t find a no-strings-attached lay in Europe? She wasn’t just some bed warmer, a fact he couldn’t seem to get through his thick head.

Yesterday would have been their one year anniversary, something she’d been trying to ignore until his phone call. They’d now officially been broken up longer than they’d been together. Darcy rubbed hard at her eyes, scrubbing away the few tears that had spilled over. She’d thought she was over him, but the sound of his voice had cut her open, leaving her heart raw and vulnerable again.

Bracing herself against the edge of the desk with her palms, Darcy closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Then she opened her eyes and methodically began to gather up the papers she’d dropped. There was work to do. She didn’t have time for a broken heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that there is a happy ending, I PROMISE.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky works at redemption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a three chapter fic, but yeah. That didn't happen. This chapter is a beast as it is. While I am going to keep this fic at four chapters, I think I'll make this into a little series. I want to find out how they met, and got together. Hopefully you guys do too!

Bucky looked at his phone blearily, then dropped it onto the sticky bar surface. She hung up on him and he couldn't blame her for it. He'd fucked up. Honest to God, he hadn’t realized how unhappy Darcy was until she told him they were over. He’d thought they were good. Maybe they weren’t the sort of couple that went out and painted the town red, but their nights together couldn’t ever come soon enough for him. Not to mention, it was hot as hell that she’d always been up for an occasional rendezvous in a coat closet or server room during her lunch hour. He liked the quiet hours they spent watching movies or reading on her couch. It had been relaxing, they didn’t need to fill the space between them with words all the time. After years of constant pain and fear and fury, the chaotic noise that still filled his brain too often, and the continual “check-ins” with the Avengers and Stark Industries therapists, he really appreciated just _being_ around Darcy. He didn’t have to dredge up all the old horrors, he was able to shield her from his bloody past. He didn’t want to talk about his current position on the team, doing the dirty work Steve never could. It had been a relief to avoid tainting the one pure thing in his life.

But apparently she’d seen their relationship in an entirely different light. The therapist he’d just started seeing before he left the States had bluntly told him his communication skills were shit. It had gone unsaid his issues with emotional intimacy were vast and legion, neither of them needed that clarification.

A hand came down on his shoulder, squeezing. He'd heard Steve pushing through the crowd six feet away and managed to smother the automatic reflex to flip him across the bar. Not looking at his best friend, he shoved over one of the shots of vodka he had lined up in front of him. Instead of picking it up and throwing it back like Bucky had been doing for the last hour, Steve looked him over with concern.

"What are you doing, Buck?"

"Drinkin’. Takes a lot these days to get good n’ drunk, but m’no quitter."

"I can see that."

Steve nudged the fingerprint smudged shot glass farther away from him with one knuckle. He raised an eyebrow in faint amusement when Bucky gave him a long look, then picked it up and swallowed it in one go. He wasn't in the mood to waste alcohol. The empty glass thumped down in line with its brothers and sisters. He shook his head like a dog coming out water, savoring the gut-rotting burn, then squinted up at Steve.

“What’d y’want?”

“Hey pal, don’t get surly with me because you make poor life choices,” Steve said, turning to rest his elbows on the bar as he habitually scanned the crowded room. But no one was paying any attention to the nearly seven foot blond and his scruffy companion with a metal arm, one of the reasons Bucky had chosen this particular bar. Everyone here had their own problems and didn’t give a fuck who he was or what he was doing there. It wasn’t his first visit here. Hell, it wasn’t even his first visit here this week.

Voice causal, Steve spoke again, “Coulson said we got what he needs. We’re done here. Wheels up tomorrow at zero four hundred.”

Bucky froze for a moment, then threw back the shot that had been halfway to his mouth. “Guess I better get working on these, then.”

The idea of going home, of seeing Darcy filled him with both joy and despair. She hadn’t even acknowledged him when she’d walked in towards the end of his briefing with Maria last month. The disgust in her voice was clear when he’d called her earlier. With a wince, Bucky rubbed his forehead. Calling her while drunk and feeling sorry for himself probably wasn’t the best move. He’d be lucky if she didn’t hate him now. The desire to woo her back was so strong he could taste it, but he didn’t even know where to begin. _Lies._ He had a solid idea of exactly where to begin. He was afraid it would would start with telling her about his time with Hydra, move onto how he’d fallen for her less than a month into their relationship, and end with him begging for a second chance. The thought sent a hard shudder through him, leaving a coppery tang at the back of his throat.

Emotional intimacy issues: vast and fucking _legion_.

“C’mon, Buck, lay off the alcohol,” Steve said exasperatedly, turning back to eye him. “If you keep going like this, you’re not going to be in any shape to fly tomorrow. You’ll spend the entire trip across the Atlantic with your head in the toilet.”

“Stop mother hennin’ me, Rogers,” Bucky mumbled, without heat. What the hell, it didn’t matter, he wasn’t gonna feel any better if he finished the shots or not. Shoving to his feet, he swayed for a moment, slapping away the hand his friend had extended to steady him.

“God, you’re in a pissy mood today.”

“Yeah, well, deal with it. Christ knows I’ve suffered enough of your sulks over the years.”

Steve rolled his eyes as he followed him out into the bright afternoon light, snorting as Bucky hissed and slapped his hands over his eyes. “How long have you _been_ in there?”

“Long enough.”

In silence, they made their way back to the crappy hotel room they had shared for the last six months, Steve recognizing that Bucky was in no mood to talk. When they got there, he took a shower while Steve broke down the surveillance equipment, then ignored his friend’s disapproving stare as he haphazardly threw his clothes into a duffel bag without thought or care. He only kept out a pair of soft pajama pants Darcy had given him for his birthday, yanking them on before dropping onto his bed and making a burrito out of the blankets.

Steve’s voice came from behind him. “Those are some pjs, pal.”

“Fuck off, Rogers,” Bucky replied, burrowing down farther into the blankets as his friend chuckled. He knew Darcy had intended the pants to be a joke, with the llama on surfboards print. But he liked them, secretly pleased she’d bought them because she’d thought he’d get a laugh out of them. And he had. He hadn’t told her that he wore them when he was somewhere far away for work and missing her, though. Now he wished he had. There were a lot of things he regretted not saying.

Although he rather throw himself into traffic than admit to Steve he was right, Bucky spent a good portion of the flight the next morning either in the toilet or sleeping. When they were about an hour out of New York, he rolled off the bunk he’d been snoring on, zombie-walked his way to the shower, and stood under the hot spray until he felt halfway to human again. Steve tossed him a handful of protein bars and a bottled water without comment when Bucky reentered the main cabin. Sitting down in the secondary pilot seat, he kicked his feet up and started in on the protein bars.

“Feet off the dash,” Steve said automatically, fiddling with the flight instruments.

Bucky rolled his eyes, but did as instructed. Stretching, he settled back into the bucket seat. He’d slept through his hangover, the bargain basement Hydra serum good for that, at least, and he was _starving_. When he was finished, he downed the water in one swallow, then let out a long sigh.

Glancing over at Steve, he said, “Sorry about earlier. I know I’ve been a real ass lately.”

His friend’s voice was mild as he replied, “I get it.”

They were both quiet for a moment, then Steve suddenly switched to autopilot and turned to face him, his jaw tight with tension. “I was in bad shape after I came back, finding out Peggy was still alive but I’d missed my chance at a life with her. Couldn’t stop thinking about putting the plane into the water. That I didn’t even try to get myself out, and had put her through so much heartbreak.”

Anyone with eyes could see Steve carried a lot on his shoulders, but Bucky had never suspected he blamed himself for the crash and everything that followed. It was insane. If he hadn’t been killed on impact, he would drowned in the freezing water. The serum did a lot of things, but their bodies still needed air to survive. It was sheer luck Steve had been knocked out during the crash and hadn’t felt himself freezing. Luck, and the grace of God. The horror of cryo was something that still kept Bucky up on bad nights.

“Anyway,” Steve continued, shaking himself out of his morose mood. “You don’t have to wait seventy years for another chance with Darcy. Take it from me when I say patience is the most overrated virtue. Not trying to get all mushy on you, but I figure this is something you need to hear about now. So... what are you gonna do about this mess you’re in?”

Staring out at the Statue of Liberty in the distance slowly growing larger, Bucky thought about what he wanted. For Darcy to be happy again really was the whole of it. Of course he wanted her to be happy with _him_ , but he just wanted to make it right. Running his hand through his hair, he sat up straight and reached for the controls, switching off autopilot.

“I’m going to fix things between us. Somehow,” Bucky said with determination, checking the flight plans, preparing to land at the Tower. “I don’t know how yet. I’ll just wing it, I used to be pretty good at that. I just know I’m not walking away. Not this time.”

Steve sat back with a small, satisfied smile on his face, and let him take over.  It took another fifteen minutes to reach the Tower, Bucky quiet with preoccupation of dealing with the landing, and his thoughts of Darcy. When they disembarked on the roof, there was a small group of people waiting; teammates and Shield agents there to welcome them back and for debriefing. Unable to help himself, he scanned the gathering for Darcy, but of course she wasn’t there. It was unreasonable to be hurt over it, considering, but there was still a pang of disappointment in his chest.

The next few days were a flurry of meetings, both at the Tower and Shield headquarters. Bucky and Steve hardly had time for meals, it seemed like everyone needed to ask them the same questions over and over. The information they’d gathered had helped break a Hydra infiltration in the Italian government wide open. It wasn’t Steve’s usual role, but he and Bucky worked well together as always, and got the job done. Sticking it to Hydra was always satisfying, but the paperwork meant it was several days until either of them emerged from the bowels of Shield.

It was another week before he saw Darcy. He’d been looking, in the common room, in the rooftop atrium, in the gym, but hadn’t caught a glimpse of her. The one place he didn’t go was down to the labs. That was her workspace and he didn’t want to intrude. So it took him by surprise when he walked into the Avengers’ level dining room for a team dinner to see her sitting at the table already. Seated between Jane and Natasha, she looked up as they entered, then away. His breath caught in his throat, he covered it with a slight cough. Beating Clint to it, Bucky dropped into a chair across the table from Darcy, trying to ignore the cool speculative look Natasha gave him.

Tony entered the room, trailing Bruce, who was still scanning a handful of printouts and mumbling to himself. “Hey, the Wonder Twins are back in residence! Nice work over in Italy. Very clean.”

Steve smiled, reaching for the enormous bowl of salad in the middle of the table. “Thanks to Nat, at least regarding my end of it. She did all the difficult work of teaching me how to blend in and work undercover. Subtle isn’t really my thing.”

“No shit,” Clint snorted, piling his plate with food. “We hadn’t noticed, what with throwing that oversize Frisbee all over the place.”

“Shut it, Barton,” Steve replied mildly, picking up his fork. Clint just grinned at him around a huge bite of mashed potatoes, eliciting a noise of disgust from Jane, who was sitting on his left.

Everyone fell into conversation after that, filling Steve and Bucky in on what had been happening at the Tower, the new facility north of the city, and stateside in general. Bucky answered queries and asked questions while keeping track of Darcy with measured care. He wasn’t looking directly at her, except to steal a glance when she turned away to speak with someone else. She only looked across the table at him once, nearly knocking over her glass in a hasty attempt to avoid locking eyes when he shifted his gaze towards her. The moment gave him a sliver of hope, however small, because she _had_ looked, taking care not to _look_ like she was looking. When Steve told the story of him rescuing a puppy who’d been caught in the grate of a street drain in Milan, joking about how the little thing had peed on him in thanks, Bucky had an idea.

After the laughter died down, he nudged his friend with his elbow and said casually, “Hey Stevie, remember that time I found that scraggly lookin’ kitten in the dumpster behind Fuller's Drugstore and tried to take her home?”

Steve looked surprised for a second that Bucky was voluntarily talking about his past, then laughed as the memory came back to him.

“I though your ma was going to beat you a broom.”

“She nearly did. Made me stick the kitten in a box on the porch, although she did let me leave it some leftover boiled chicken from the night before’s dinner.” Bucky smiled fondly, thinking of the tiny, iron-willed woman. Mrs. Barnes had a particular way she ran her household and God help you if you didn’t get with the program. “But when she thought I was asleep, she went out and feed it some milk, washed it, and wrapped the pitiful thing in flannel scraps. I never told her I'd seen her do that. She wouldn't have liked anyone knowing she had a soft spot.”

Jane thawed enough from the freeze-out she’d been directing Bucky’s way to say, “That’s sweet. She sounds like she was a kind person.”

Bucky’s heart pinched. “Yeah, she was. The best.”

“ _Please_ tell me Barnes is a sucker for strays.” Tony looked fascinated. “I need the image of him shooing cows out of the way of the artillery in France during the war, or running a hutch of rabbits to safety while the rest of the Commandos take on Hydra.”

Steve scratched his ear. “Nah, Bucky was always pretty focused on the field. But a soft spot for strays? I guess you could say that. He graduated to the human kind as we got older.” He gestured to himself in a self-deprecating way.

“And the only thanks I ever got was a mulish glare and a refusal to even consider going on the double dates I set up,” Bucky said, rolling his eyes. That set off a round of teasing Steve good-naturedly about his stubbornness. Bucky sat back with a smirk, enjoying the ribbing his friend was getting. Sneaking a glance at Darcy, he was satisfied to see her frowning, deep in thought, at her plate. She’d always wanted to hear about his life pre-Hydra, but he hadn’t wanted to dredge up potentially painful memories, and had shut her down. The story he’d shared with his teammates hadn’t been painful, though. It had felt good to reminisce with Steve, to share Ma with his friends. Maybe Darcy had been right, that each time he talked about it, it would get easier.

He’d try, if it brought her back to him.

The next day, he finally caught up with Darcy alone. Stepping into line behind her at the Starbucks on the fifth floor, he cleared his throat, offering a smile when her head jerked up in surprise from the phone she'd been fooling around on.

“Hey,” he said, keeping his tone light. “Tony still buying the cheap stuff for the labs?”

She looked like she might not answer for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah. For a billionaire, he sure does cut the weirdest corners when it comes to expense. Honestly, I think it’s just that his taste buds have been burned away by the acid crap he calls coffee and he can’t tell the difference anymore. I don't know why _we_ have to suffer.”

“That’s Tony for you.” Bucky chuckled, not letting the enormous relief that she was talking to him show. He took a deep breath, keeping his posture relaxed. “You look good, Darcy. It’s nice to see you again.”

Before she could reply, the line moved and she was at the front, ordering. After placing his own order, Bucky walked over to join her in the waiting area, a little wary of what she might say after having a minute to think it over. He'd needn't have worried, though, she just sent him a small, genuine smile as she collected her drink, and simply said,“It’s good to have you back at Tower. See you around.” Gripping her cup with both hands, she moved towards the exit, glancing back once as she pushed open the glass door, her gaze thoughtful.

Okay. Okay, maybe it wasn’t as hopeless as he’d feared. If nothing else, maybe she’d give him another opportunity to rebuild their friendship. If the fates were with him, for once in his life, maybe he’d get a second chance to win her back. If he was a praying man, he’d be down on his knees in the middle of Starbucks. But he wasn’t, so it was all up to him.

Picking up his coffee, Bucky made his way of the shop, already planning his next move.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky needs to make a hard choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap between chapters! I was writing what I thought was the last one, but then I realized it wasn't. I have one more chapter I want to write, from Darcy's POV. This is a short chapter, but I feel like it had to been told through Bucky's POV. Next update coming soon, I hope!

After a month, Bucky was almost ready to give up his campaign to win Darcy back. He’d thought they turned a corner that day in Starbucks, but she’d continued to hold him at a distance. Her manner was civil but cool, as if he was nothing more than an acquaintance she’d see around work sometimes. She didn't leave the room when he entered it, she didn't get up and move if he sat down next to her on the couch during movie nights in the common room, and she always listened to him and Steve tell stories about their time with the Commandos with polite interest.

But there was a part of her he couldn't reach anymore. An emotion lacking in her eyes when she looked at him, one he hadn't even realized was there until it was gone. She used to be so tactile; always with a pat on his shoulder or a hand on his knee. Her body language was closed off now, tight and controlled. Even her laugh was different around him. He knew it was different because he'd hear it before she became aware of his presence. Sometimes he'd pause just outside the door to prolong the moment before it changed. He wanted Darcy back, the real Darcy, _his_ Darcy.

It was driving him nuts.

He wanted her in his arms again so badly he ached with it, but was wary of crossing the line between persistent into creepy. He wasn’t exactly sure where that line was, but he felt like he was approaching it pretty fast. It seemed the more he pursued her, the farther away she drifted. Steve wasn’t much help in the advice department (the irony of asking his best friend, notoriously bad with women, for romantic help was laughable), and anyway, it was a fair bet he'd told Natasha about his trouble. You know, he didn't remember everything, but he was pretty sure that was a violation of the friend code or something, a guy telling his girlfriend his best friend's love life problems. And thanks for nothing, Steve, the redhead had been giving him speculative looks lately and it made him nervous as hell. Having Natasha Romanoff’s full attention wasn’t something most guys wanted, not in that way.

Steve _loved_ having her full attention. He was the only one who got starry-eyed every time she took him down in training. Bucky did _not_ want to know why his friend went all pink every time his girlfriend tried to choke him out with her thighs.

He’d been wary since Natasha started studying him like a bug under a microscope, so he wasn’t exactly surprised to come upon her and Darcy talking in the shared Avengers kitchen about him. Horrified, but not surprised. He stopped just short of entering the room, leaning one shoulder against the wall. It wasn’t wrong to listen in when they were having the conversation in a common area, right?

“... I know he’s trying, Nat. I know what he wants, but I can’t go back there.” Darcy’s voice was calm and measured, but her words made Bucky’s stomach drop. “When we were together, I fell hard and he gave me nothing back. Nothing except sex.”

“Which was good?” Jesus, Natasha. Some shit was private.

“Which was better than good. But that was never the problem.” He could hear Darcy rummaging around, probably making lunch for her and Jane. The diminutive scientist often opted for the fasted route to staying alive and that meant eating a lot of convenience foods. Darcy was not a fan of this attitude. (See? He paid attention.)

Natasha hummed. “Did you tell him that?”

There was a beat of silence. “Well, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t want that. A serious relationship was never something he seemed interested in.”

Bucky had thought they were _in_ a relationship, which yeah, made him the densest guy on the planet. But to be fair, she hadn't actually asked him his intentions or flat out told him what she was looking for either. He could understand why, looking back, she felt he wasn’t as invested as she was, though. The emotions thing had been hard for him since escaping HYDRA, because he hadn’t been allowed any for so long. It was like learning to drive, but in a Ferrari.

“Darcy, you need to go back and reexamine the time you two were together. I think you’ll be surprised at what you find,” Natasha said idly, her tone deliberately casual. "And maybe neither of you were as open with each other as you should have been. It could be that if he'd known you were looking to take things to the next level, he'd have been on board with that. God knows Steve had to put in a lot of work prying this sort of thing out of me, I'm lucky he's the stubbornest man alive and didn't give up. It's hard for people like James and me to open up. But it can happen."

Darcy made a skeptical noise and Natasha dropped the subject then in favor of chatting about the research Jane was working on. After about ten minutes, Darcy left, Bucky ducking back around the corner to avoid running into her. A few seconds later, Natasha spoke.

“You can come out of hiding now, Barnes.”

Well, shit. He should have known she was aware of his presence. Probably had been since his arrival. Summoning his bravado, he strolled into the kitchen. “Romanoff.”

She arched one eyebrow at his greeting. “I’m going to assume you heard everything.”

He shrugged, his flat tone empty of the emotion churning inside him. “Enough to finally figure out I'm chasing a lost cause.”

“I thought you said you were listening.” Natasha rolled her eyes, then hopped down from the counter she’d been sitting on. “Darcy’s interested, but she’s scared. She doesn’t want to be hurt again. You know and I know that you were never just in it for a in a fling, but _she_ doesn’t.”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Bucky said, ignoring that last bit for the moment. He didn't totally trust her, even though Steve insisted he could. He crossed his arms in a belligerent stance and narrowed his eyes at her. Frustration at the impossible situation welled up inside of him, making his tone sharp. “Why are you helping me, of all people?”

“I’m not, necessarily. Darcy’s my friend. One of the few.” Now that made sense. Sort of. As her friend, he'd have thought the assassin would rather warn him off than encourage him. She _knew_ who he was, understood what he'd been made into more than most would. Natasha tilted her head, her own eyes narrowing, studying him. “I want her to be happy and I think you're an integral part of that, but to get there, you're going to have to do something you don't want to. It's time to lay your cards on the table."

His mouth went dry. It was what he’d been dreading, that it would come down to this. He couldn’t imagine a world in which showing her his darkest side would bring her back to him.

“I know what you’re talking about, and _no_. I can’t do that to her. I’m not going to put that on her shoulders. And I don’t understand how sharing the horrible shit I did during my time with HYDRA is actually going to improve my chances.”

“You have to win her trust, James. Make yourself vulnerable. Trust me, I know more than you think how hard that is.” Natasha shrugged, lingering in the doorway. “Darcy’s right, you know. It’s not a relationship when one person is hiding part of themself away. You’re not giving her the credit for being strong enough to carry it with you.”

Bucky sat for a long time in the kitchen after the redhead left, thoughts swirling, emotions jumbled. Finally, he shook himself out of his stasis. Clearing his throat, his voice rough, he directed his request to Tony’s AI, “Jarvis?”

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?”

“Can… can you get my files? All of them?” He rubbed sweaty palms on his jeans, heart racing. “Even the ones from my Winter Soldier days?”

“Within the hour. Would you like them sent electronically or on paper?”

“Paper. I’ll wait for them in my apartment.”

“Very good, sir.”

God, he hoped this worked. If Natasha was wrong, things were gonna to get bad, fast. Bucky stood abruptly. He needed a shower and a shot of vodka. Several shots of vodka. Numb himself enough to open that file, see the pictures, read the reports again. If she had to look at them, then he’d do it first, even if it killed him inch by inch. It was a reminder of who he was, what he’d done, but also how far he’d come. Hopefully, Darcy would see the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was very short, sorry. The final chapter will be longer!


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes one last ditch effort to win Darcy back, laying it all on the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, folks. I've really loved writing this fic, even though it took me on an emotional roller coaster. Thank you all for reading and for your comments, I hope it's touched you as deeply as it has me. 
> 
> Please notice that the warnings have changed, as there is explicit sex in this chapter. <3

**I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that.**

**But if I didn't say it, well, I'd still have felt it.**

**Where's the sense in that?**

**I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were.**

**I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender**

**There will be no white flag above my door.**

**I'm in love and always will be.**

**I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again,**

**and I caused nothing but trouble.**

**I understand if you can't talk to me again and if you live by the rules of it's over,**

**then I'm sure that that makes sense**

**I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender.**

**There will be no white flag above my door.**

**I'm in love and always will be.**

**~White Flag by Dido**

 

Darcy was tired. She’d only gotten five hours of sleep after crashing that morning when Jane had come off a three day sciencing bender at 4am. But for some reason, her body didn’t want to let her rest and she dragged herself from her bed, stumbled her way to the kitchen, and made coffee. Taking it into the shower with her, she alternated long sips from the extra large mug while standing under the steaming hot water for minutes at a time. After a relaxing twenty minute shower, she emerged feeling better, hair clean and legs shaved. Things were sacrificed during a sciencing bender-- showers with the luxury of conditioner and removing a thick leg pelt were two of them.

After suspiciously inspecting a stale muffin for mold and finding none, she brought it to the couch and turned on an old episode of the British Baking Show. Kicking her legs out along the cushions, she settled in to just chill for as long as she could. Jane shouldn’t be up for another four or five hours. She was usually nearly comatose after coming down from her nerd high. When they finally did make it in to the labs later, Darcy would just be transcribing notes anyway, so the lack of sleep shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Although, if she could catch a nap… Her plan was foiled when a knock at the door came halfway through the second episode. Hauling herself off the couch, she tugged on her worn NASA t-shirt and went to open it.

Bucky stood on the other side, a fat portfolio folder in hand. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he looked nervous. A little on the pale side, kind of fidgety.

“Oh. Hey... what’s up?” She refused to tug at her shirt again. One promise to herself after he got back from Italy, and was suddenly _everywhere,_ was that she was going to be herself. That included dressing in jeans with a hole in the knee and a faded t-shirt on her morning off and not giving a shit about what he might think of it.

“Hi.” Bucky’s blue eyes were intense, locked on hers, making her stomach swoop. He’d been spending a lot more time out in the common rooms, hanging with the team and always making an effort to engage her in polite conversation, but he hadn’t come to her apartment since the night she’d kicked him out. Because there was no reason for him to, she reminded herself. He took a long, deep breath, releasing it in a whoosh. “I, uh, was hoping you have a minute?”

It occurred to her he was asking her permission to come in. Which, hmm... Maybe it would be okay, just for a few moments. She was _definitely_ over him, residual stomach swoops aside. One short visit wasn’t going to throw her off her game.

“Sure.” Darcy stepped back to let him slip by her. She closed the door and turned to find him standing awkwardly in the center of the living room. Determined to ignore the comfy chair that he’d bent her over the last time they’d had sex, because _God_ , she gestured to the couch. “Want to sit?”

“No, I’ll stand. I’ll get out of your hair soon. I just wanted to give you this,” he said and extended the folder he’d been holding. He didn’t even need to explain what the contents were, she’d known the moment he turned to look at her what it was. This why he looked like he was standing on the ledge of a tall building and wondering if the fall would kill him when she opened the door. Shock had her pressing her hands to her stomach instead of reaching for it like she wanted to.

“Why are you giving that to me?”

“I… I want you to have it. To know.” He dropped his arm again when she wouldn’t take it from him and raked a hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “It’s everything that--”

“I know what it is.” Darcy cut him off, her heart beating against her rib cage like the wings of a frantic bird trapped in a cage. “I don’t understand why you want _me_ to have it. We broke up, Bucky.”

“I know.” He swallowed, the line of his mouth unhappy. “And I know what I’m askin’ for is a lot. Probably too much. But I need you to know who I am.” He carefully placed the file on her coffee table. “If you don’t want anything to do with me, I understand. But… if you want to talk, I’ll be around. Let JARVIS know and I’ll meet you wherever you want.”

She didn’t know what to say. Part of her wanted to slap the file against his chest and tell him to get the fuck out. But a bigger part of her wanted to know what was hidden in his past, especially because he finally wanted to share it with her. He’d always worked so hard to keep that part of his life separate, slamming that door in her face if she got too close.

“I’m not promising to read it.”

“You don’t have to promise anything.”

“I might get called into the lab and not get to it for a while, even if I do decide to read it.”

“I know. Your job comes first, I get that. I’m not going anywhere.”

Chewing her lip, Darcy studied him. Still unsure she was doing the right thing, she finally made a decision. “Okay. I’ll let you know if and when I read it, and if there’s anything I want to talk about.”

Bucky nodded once, expression resolute, and headed for the door unprompted. Pulling it open, he glanced back, something in his gaze making her stomach flip again. “Darcy? Thank you for even thinking about doing this.” Then he left before she could reply. Not that she had one ready. The conversation and his, well, gift, had been unexpected and overwhelming.

She stood for a long time, just staring at the folder on her coffee table, then shook herself out of her preoccupation. It was time to go pound on Janey’s door and get them down to the labs. Science waited for no woman, but the files could. And they did. The folder sat on her coffee table for the next two weeks, untouched. She didn’t even move them so she could watch TV with her feet up. Every once in a while, she’d find herself staring at them instead of reading her book or paying attention to the movie that was on. But she wasn’t ready to open it. Not yet.

It was easy to avoid Bucky in the meanwhile. He seemed to be giving her space, finding excuses not to join team dinners or movie nights. A couple times it looked like Steve was going to say something to her, but reconsidered after a death glare from Natasha. Darcy was grateful for the intervention. It was hard enough figuring out her own confused feelings and the situation at hand without Steve sticking his big patriotic nose into everything.

Curiosity finally got the better of her, however, and she broke down and asked JARVIS where Bucky was spending all his time. Apparently he spend most of his time in the gym, training. Which… was good, right? Not hiding out in his apartment. Or disappearing into the wilds of, like, Ohio or something, to hunt HYDRA agents. Working out was a good stress reliever and healthy. Not that she’d be caught dead on a treadmill. The only reason she would ever run was if someone was chasing her. Maybe not even then. That’s what her taser was for.

One day she couldn’t stop thinking about the folder, though. It kept intruding on her thoughts during slow moments in the lab, her body practically itching with the need to go upstairs to her apartment and open it. Finally it was 6pm and she yelled to Jane she was taking off, then bolted for the elevator. Impatience had her counting floors, nervous anticipation pushed her to jog down the hallway. She figured this was her brain’s way of telling her she was ready for whatever lay within the folder. But when she opened the door to her apartment and her gaze fell upon it, she stopped stone cold.

Maybe a shower first. And some food. And also a big glass of wine.

Shower taken, food consumed, and wine in hand, Darcy slowly approached the couch, skirting the coffee table, eyes on the folder. She sat cross-legged, tucking her toes under legs clad in yoga pants, and set her glass of wine on the side table. Then she reached down and picked up the folder. As she brought it to her lap, a small rectangle fell out, landing face down on her knee. Setting the folder down, she turned over the yellowed photograph. Swallowing, she traced Bucky’s face with one finger, so full of youth and innocence, his eyes lit with laughter as he grinned up into the camera. He looked so fine in his Army uniform, dark hair combed back from his face, the only lines on his face were the ones that creased the edges of his eyes and bracketed his wide smile, created by joy. This was a man untested by time and life, a man who didn’t know yet what his fate would be. Her heart ached for him, for what he was about to lose.

Her heart ached for Bucky now, for what he’d lost.

A lump in her throat, Darcy opened the folder. At the top of the pile of papers and photographs was an envelope with her name on it in surprisingly beautiful cursive writing. She drew out the sheet of paper and unfolded it.

 

 

_Darcy,_

_These files contain my records from both my time in the Army and with HYDRA, as best as S.H.I.E.L.D. could piece together, anyway. In the spirit of transparency, I want to again give you the option to read it. I'll understand if you don't want to, and respect your decision._

_I know I fucked up, but I'm hoping you'll give me a second chance._

_I didn't handle our time together very well. To be honest, I probably wasn't ready to be in a relationship and it was really unfair to you for me to start something I couldn't fully commit to. I'm working with my therapist to learn to be more open and honest. She says I have to work on my "emotional vulnerability". I’m not too proud to admit the idea scares the shit out of me. You have to understand, for a long time I didn't have control over anything in my life, it's hard to give up some of that now._

_And it's near impossible for me to believe that I deserve good things and that I'm capable of being good for someone else, but damn it, I want to keep trying. Because it matters to me, because you matter to me, Darcy._

_I wish I'd told you when we were together how much I loved our nights together. I loved it when you'd fall asleep on me, that you trusted me with the code to your apartment. I loved when you laughed with me, and even when you laughed at me. It helped me remember that I used to be a guy who had a ready sense of humor. It made me want to find him again. And, doll, you never treated me like I was someone to be afraid of, maybe even when you should have. I can't explain what that’s meant to me._

_I should have taken you out more. We could have gone dancing. I used to be good at it, I think._

_I should have told you how beautiful you are._

_I should have told you how hard I fell for you and I should have fought for us._

_If you give me another chance, Darcy, I swear I'll do everything I can to be the man you deserve. From here on out, I'm going to be as open and honest with you as possible. There are going to be things I can't tell you, because a lot of my job is high level clearance. And there will be things I don't want to tell you, things I might have to do as an Avenger that I just can’t talk about with you, because they don't belong between us. I hope you can accept that._

_Take as much time as you need to consider the files and my letter. No matter what your answer is, I'm not going anywhere. If your friendship is all I can hope for, then I'll take it gladly. But I’m hoping you give me another chance. I promise I won't let you down again._

 

_Yours, if you’ll have me,_

_James Buchanan Barnes_

 

 

Darcy scrubbed away her tears with one palm, laying the letter aside, and picked up the first typed report. She sat, reading, papers slowly spreading out around her on the couch and floor, for hours. Occasionally she’d get up to stretch or make a cup of tea, or just stand and stare out the window at the darkening sky. It was nearly midnight before she carefully gathered all the papers and photographs up and placed them back in the folder. Laying it back on her coffee table, she got up and went into the bathroom, washed her face clean, brushed her teeth, and climbed into bed. All without allowing herself to think, concentrating on each task with laser-like focus. Closing her eyes, she was determined to sleep and worry about what was in that folder the next day.

But page after page, photograph after photograph kept floating up to the surface, chasing away any attempt at rest. After nearly an hour of tossing and turning, she gave up. She wasn’t going to be able to sleep until she talked to him. What she’d say, she didn’t know. _Something_. It would come to her.

It wasn’t until she walked into the gym that she realized she just wanted to see him. Reassure herself that he’d made it through after all, and was here, within reach.

Bucky stilled when he caught sight of her in the mirrors, ignoring the weights at his feet, watching as she made her way across the mats. His eyes were dark and wary but he didn’t look away. Finally she reached him, and stepping up, slid her arms around his waist from behind. He sucked in a hard breath as she rested one cheek against his back, his hands coming to rest over hers, holding them to his chest.

“Thank you for trusting me with your files.” She spoke softly, the heat of him coming through the slightly damp cotton.

“Thank you for reading them. I know it’s not easy, seeing all that shit.” His grip on her hands tightened a fraction. “Did… did you read my letter?”

“Yes,” she said, heart clenching at the vulnerability coming through in his question.

“And…?” He hardly paused a second before interrupting himself. “Wait, no, forget I asked. I told you I wouldn’t pressure you and I’m not gonna--”

“ _Bucky_. It’s okay. Chill.” Darcy leaned back far enough to see past him, making eye contact in the mirror. She hadn’t thought she had anything in particular to say when she’d come down here, but she did. Shifting, she shoved his arm up and ducked under to slid around to the front of him without letting go of his waist. He fell silent, face uncertain, hands lightly hovering over her back. She tipped her head back, resting her chin on his chest, and struggled to put into words what she needed to say. “Your letter made me cry.”

“Doll,” he started, but she shushed him.

“It made me cry because it was sad and lovely and sweet. But it also made me cry because it made me so angry,” she said, holding on a little tighter as he stiffened in his arms. She’d heard him out, on the page, and now he was going to listen to her. “We wasted so much time. You kept me at arm’s length to protect yourself, and I just let the resentment build, thinking our relationship was nothing to you. The entire we were together I felt a lot more invested in it than you, and it hurt. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong.”

“God, Darcy.” His voice broke, and finally, _finally,_ he put his arms around her, pulling her tight against him.

“I changed myself for you, lost my grip on who I was, and that was _my_ mistake. It happened so quickly, I didn’t even realize I’d done it until we were over. It took me a long time to put myself back together. And looking back, I realize you never asked for that, never even indicated you wanted me to be anything different than what I was.”

“I didn’t. I don’t.”

“I know.” A small smile lifted her lips at his fervent words. “I can see that now. That’s good, because I’m not doing that ever again. I like me. Anyone who wants to be with me has to take me as I am or walk away. As for your letter… did you mean what you said? All of it?”

One large hand came up, smoothing an errant curl away from her face, fingers lingering along the shell of her ear as he tucked the lock into place. Darcy’s breath caught at the tender look on his face. She’d never seen him look so soft; his mouth relaxed, blue eyes steady on hers.

“Every single word.”

“I’ve missed you.” She swallowed, nerves dancing. She wanted this. Wanted _him_. Taking that first step forward was still scary as hell, though. “I tried not to, but I did. I told myself I was over you, that we were done for good, that nothing you could say or do would make me take you back.”

“Did you now.” One side of his mouth quirked upward as she smoothed her hands over his shoulders, a languorous caress very much at odds with her words.

“I did. But I was wrong,” Darcy said, and stretched up to place a soft kiss on one side of his lips. His breath stuttered as he held himself very still. She shifted, pressing another kiss on the other side, then finally, kissed him full on the mouth. Bucky groaned, deepening the kiss as he backed her against the mirror. In one sudden motion, he lifted her, hitching her legs over his hips, anchoring her against the glass with his body. Making a little noise of greed Darcy ran her hands down his chest, then shoved his shirt up, exploring his abs with her fingers. Distracted by the line of sucking kisses he was placing along her collarbone, Bucky paused only long enough to strip his shirt off and toss it over his shoulder. He slid one hand under her ass, pulling her even tighter against him, and slammed the other against the mirror next to her head. Darcy gasped as he bit her throat lightly, then soothed it with his tongue, her entire body going hot.

It had been so long since he touched her. She felt like she was made of flames.

Clutching the back of his head, she trusted him not to drop her, and tilted her hips up, needing more. Hitting just the right position, they locked into place, his hard length rocking up against her center, causing them both to moan.

“Darcy, baby, honey,” he mumbled against her skin, slowly pushing up against her in a relentless rhythm that had her clawing at his back. “We need to find somewhere more private to do this.” He drew back, forehead wrinkling in concern. “If you want to, that is. I don’t want to assume--”

“Bucky, if we didn’t have pants on, your dick would already be inside of me and I’d like to rectify this little oversight as soon as possible, okay? Stop thinking so hard.”

His grin was like lightning in a bottle, taking her breath away. “I can get on board with that. Your place or mine?”

“What’s wrong with here?”

“Darcy, I am not having sex with you in gym, after working out, on mats where Steve and Clint wrestle around half naked.”

She pulled back, leaning against his muscled arms as he headed towards the door and waggled her eyebrows at him. “Now you’re just trying to get me all hot and bothered.”

He snorted. “I wasn’t doing a good enough job before?”

“I’m not going to lie, it was working for me, but _maximum effort_ , pal.”

“Please don’t ever reference Wade to me again when we’re about to have sex,” he groaned, then dropped her to her feet as the elevator doors slid open, and crowded her in against the back wall. Caging her with both hands flat against the wall on either side of her, he bent down and nipped at her bottom lip. They spent the ride up six floors lazily making out and Darcy couldn’t bring herself to care about the cameras or JARVIS.

Finally they made it to his apartment and stumbled inside, never pausing to let go of each other. Somehow they managed to find the bedroom, bumping into furniture until Bucky just picked her up again and carried her to the bed. He laid her down gently, ignoring her gesture to get the hell up there and finish what they’d started, standing at the end of the bed to slowly remove first one tennis sneaker, then the other. Darcy hadn’t given any thought to her clothes before seeking him out, embarrassment flashing through her as he reached for the waistband of her yoga pants. But then she remembered the words he’d wrote in his letter and stopped caring. She didn’t need to be anything but but herself with Bucky anymore because he had made it very clear wanted her exactly as she was.

It only took a few moments to strip them both down to their underwear, Bucky only pausing every so often to drop kisses along the swell of her calf or soft skin of her belly. She threaded her fingers through his hair as he stopped at the edge of her panties, hot breath ghosting over the plain cotton. He looked up, meeting her eyes as he slowly drew them down, tossing them somewhere over his shoulder. Her body trembled with anticipation. Never breaking eye contact, he lifted her knees over his shoulders and licked one long strip up her pussy.

Darcy gasped, arching into him, fingers tightening on his hair. His chuckle vibrated against her sensitive lips as he explored her his tongue, adjusting his technique in time with the helpless noises she was making. When he slid one long finger inside of her, she cried out. She was so close already, having been ready since he had picked her up and held her against the gym mirror when they kissed earlier. It didn't take long for him to push her over the edge, her thighs shaking as he let them slide down onto the bed and moved up to stretch out next to her. She could feel how hard he was, pressing against her hip through his boxers, but he made no move to get to take things further. Propping his head on his hand, elbow on the mattress, Bucky leaned over and kissed her deeply.

She could taste herself on his tongue, sweet and slightly musky.

Darcy slid her hands down, hooking her fingers on the band of his boxers, but he stopped her, metal fingers closing on hers. “We don’t have to do this, if you want to wait. I want you to trust me, I want to prove myself to you. I don’t want you to regret it.”

She looked at him, a dark flush high on his cheekbones but his gaze was sincere. “I do want this. I want to try again, being together. We both need to work on things, but I have faith in us now. And… I love you.” Saying it wasn’t as hard as she’d thought it would be. It wasn’t painful, it wasn’t scary, it just brought her a sense of joy and lightness, like she was floating.

Bucky sucked in a breath, blue eyes blazing. “I love you too. God, I love you so much, and I swear, I’m never going to let you go again.” Kissing her deeply, he helped her pull their remaining clothes off, their hands frantic with need. Once they were both full naked, he couldn’t stop touching her, she couldn’t stop touching him. They explored everything they’d missed over the last year, sighs and moans quiet in the dim light of his bedroom. Finally Bucky broke away, panting, and rolled over to grab a condom out of his bedside table drawer. She took it from him, quickly tearing it open and smoothing it down his hard length as he trembled with the effort to keep both hands on the mattress, hovering over her. As soon as she was done, she opened for him and he slid into her like he was coming home, a deep sign escaping him.

“You’re so wet,” he murmured, slowly beginning to move. Darcy gripped his shoulders, pulling him down for a long kiss in response. He moaned, setting a faster pace, her legs locked around his hips. Suddenly he rolled them until she was seated on top, his cock deep inside her, the fullness making her gasp. He rocked upward, hands on her breasts, and she brought her own up to cover his. Arching her back, she rode him hard, drawing little gasps and helpless words of love and filth from his mouth as he encouraged her to take her pleasure. Her body was on fire, shivers running through her as she came, bearing down on his cock as she cried out. He thrust twice more, his eyes locked on hers, a fierce look in them as he followed her over the edge. They stayed as they were, with him still inside her, just staring at each other as they panted. Then Darcy let out a joyful laugh. Everything was so amazing in that moment, so perfect.

He grinned in response, his face alive with happiness.

Bucky lifted her off his hips, letting her slide bonelessly down on the mattress next to him. He bent over and placed a soft kiss on her mouth, brushing her hair out of her eyes, his touch reverent. Then he climbed out of bed and padded off to the bathroom to clean himself up. Darcy took the moment to do the same, grateful that he was the kind of person who kept a box of tissues next to his bed. She snorted with amusement at the utterly unromantic mechanics of after-sex. Champ that he was, he took the wad of tissues from her when he came back and tossed them in the trash. With a satisfied grin, he slipped under the blanket she’d drawn up over her breasts, and she rolled over to rest herself on his chest. The pulse of his heart thumped against her cheek, his skin slightly damp from exertion.

Pressing a kiss against his chest, she said, “I love you, Bucky Barnes.”

His fingers played with the curls of her hair spread across his pillow. “I love you, Darcy Lewis.”

She tilted her head to look up at him and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. Happiness filled her to the brim. A year ago, she’d despaired that they’d reach this point in their relationship, but here they were and it was so good. They might have bumps in the road ahead of them, and relationships took work, but she knew, she just _knew_ , they could weather them.

Together.


End file.
